He was behind the couch the whole time

I’ve been waiting to write about this, both because it falls right next to the line of Stuff I Will Not Publish Online, and because the subject makes me incredibly nervous. However, I am choosing to embrace the recent changes I am going through and hope that I don’t lose people because of it.

Anyone who has known me for a while knows that the subject of religion gets me heated. I grew up in a very conservative area, and the majortity of the Christians I knew were not nice people. I found the churches out there to be extremely focused on monetary gain. Most of the humiliation I suffered in school was from kids my age who considered themselves to be very close to God. I was raised in an agnostic household. Needless to say, my viewpoint was a litte influenced. Many of my past blog posts have been quite adament about the stupidity of religion, and at times, I still feel that way. I still hold close to my heart something that my dad would quote: religion is a defense against a religious experience. However, over the last several months, my attitude towards religion has changed drastically.

I have been going to church every Sunday. I love it. I look forward to it. I have met Christians that actually believe in the teachings of Jesus Christ and live with their hearts and minds open. That kind of spirituality is something I have wanted for a very long time. Right now, I consider myself to be a Christian, with a little bit of Wicca thrown in.

I’m not going to go into detail about what exactly I am putting my faith in, because that is between myself and God. But, yes, I believe Jesus. And I won’t say anything else about it unless someone decides to ask.

Because the question has been asked so many times, no, J did not make me do this, nor has he ever asked or pressured me to. Of course he had some influence; we are all influenced by people in our lives. My family influenced me with their ideas too. But I didn’t do anything for them in an effort to make them like or love me more. The same goes for this situation. This is a choice I’ve wanted to make for a while, long before I met J; I just needed the right environment. I didn’t feel safe making the decision on my own. J has given me more love and support in this than he knows, and he understands that I struggle because of my past dealings with “Christians”. But, in the end, we both know that I have chosen this path. When I go to church or when I pray, it is because I want to. When I feel that I am ready to be baptized, that will be entirely my choice as well.

I am not crazy. I’m not going to start speaking in tongues, and I’m not going to start proclaiming the End of Days or say that homosexuality is wrong. I have the same moral code and love for logic and science that I’ve always had. It’s just in a different context now…and I like who I am because of it. I like me more than I ever have.

If this completely freaks you out, fine. If you’re disappointed in me or you’re proud of me, that’s fine as well. I’ve been anticipating some fallout, some of which I’ve already dealt with, and I think I’m prepared. It just didn’t seem fair to hide this vital part of myself when I make a habit out of being personal via the internet.

3 Responses to “He was behind the couch the whole time”

  1. Renee Says:

    Good luck in your personal spiritual journey. :)

  2. Liz Levine Says:

    Religion is a very personal thing. I respect your journey and am glad you have found something that gives you happiness.

  3. D. Says:

    Keep your own mind. Don’t neglect to use it. And find your own way.

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