I will defend these songs with my dying breath

AOL Radio (I swear, I am the last person on Earth with AOL. Shoot me.) recently posted an article dubbed “100 Worst Songs Ever”. There has been some speculation by commenters that the author of said article is actually twelve-years-old and can’t hear these songs properly because his head is wedged some place quite unpleasant. That being said, the list isn’t a terrible one. There is an abundance of stupid, annoying, and flat-out lousy music. “My Humps” and “Hollaback Girl” deserved their places on this list. There are ten, though, that should not be anywhere near the hundred worst songs, and if anyone says otherwise, well, them’s fightin words.

97) “The Girl is Mine”, Michael Jackson & Paul McCartney

Is it MJ’s or Paul’s best work? Of course not. The lyrics are sappy and simplistic, but it is goddamn ADORABLE. It is playful and innocent. Just like “Say Say Say”, the collaboration between these two artists is delightful.

89) “Cherry Pie”, Warrant

This is a song about sex. Not love making, not wooing, just downright wild monkey sex. Sometimes that is exactly what a person needs (not that I speak from experience here….hi, Daddy!), and listening to a song about it is straight-up fun.

74) “Do They Know it’s Christmas”, Band Aid

This might be the most depressing Christmas song ever written. Ever. But it speaks the truth. And when I get caught up in the shopping and the house cleaning and the family drama, this song humbles me. Also, it was written to raise money for famine victims in Ethiopia. Stick that in your pipe, AOL. What do you have against starving African children?!

68) “Hold My Hand”, Hootie and the Blowfish

Even the writer couldn’t attack Hootie: “C’mon, it’s not their fault we overindulged on this one. If you eat too much cake, don’t blame the baker.” To sum up: Overplayed? Yes. Good song? Damn straight.

64) “Breakfast at Tiffany’s”, Deep Blue Something

Whatever happened to this band? This is some pure 90′s goodness right here. Two people bonding over a movie. Even though they’re afraid that the world will keep them apart, an innocent love of Audrey Hepburn can serve as common ground and will always bring them back to each other. Has anyone tried this approach in Israel or Palestine? Side note: if anyone wanted to put the film of the same name on a list of the worst films ever, I would not object. Has there ever been a bigger pain-in-the-ass than Ms. Golightly?

50) “I’m Gonna Be (500 Miles)”, The Proclaimers

The repetitive nature of this song makes it fun to sing for everyone, period. The lyrics are to the point, and hearing them in a Scottish accent makes me all warm and fuzzy on the inside. I maintain that the author of the original article hates this song because he doesn’t know what “haver” means. Adding David Tennant to this mix only makes it sweeter.

42) “We Didn’t Start the Fire”, Billy Joel

Shit has gone on for all eternity, and the younger generations will always try to rise against it and try to make the world a happier, squishier place. This is a time honored tradition. It’s like the Circle of Life. That’s what this song represents. Yeah, Joel totally listed a bunch of people and historical and/or current events, but he made it into a song that didn’t sound like something from School House Rock. That’s impressive all by itself. “We Didn’t Start the Fire” is like a musical time capsule. How awesome would it be to hand out these lyrics as a middle school class assignment? Each group gets a stanza and they have to present a report on everything and everyone in said stanza. We should all be thanking Billy Joel for making history fun again.

25) “I’ll Be There For You (Theme from Friends)”, The Rembrandts

The bridge (“No one could ever know me”, etc) is a little awkward, but that’s a minor offense. Who can’t relate to this song, honestly? Job sucks, dating sucks, and you have no idea where your life is headed. This is a theme song for all twenty-something’s (or thirty-something’s, or forty-something’s in this economy) at one point or another, and damnit, I’m glad The Rembrandts are here for me.

21) “One Week”, Barenaked Ladies

Mostly nonsense lyrics, but a great beat and full of fabulous pop culture references. There is a reason that this song launched BNL to stardom. The Ladies rule. ‘Nuff said.

12) “Wannabe”, Spice Girls

I was torn on this one, I really was. I hated the Spice Girls all through school. I wanted to stab every girl in my class who called herself “Baby” or “Sporty”. I was the only eight-year-old female who didn’t own a Spice Girls album or their film. That being said, I heard Wannabe not too long ago, and now that I’m old enough to look past the bubblegum and moronic pseudonyms…girl power all the way. Bros before hos, chicks before dicks, it’s all the same message: this song is about prioritizing old relationships over new ones and having high standards in the dating world. Though I would appreciate it if someone would tell me what it means to “really wanna zigazig ah”.

3 Responses to “I will defend these songs with my dying breath”

  1. Alex H Says:

    Completely agree with you! That David Tennant clip just melted my heart a little. :3 I regularly exercise/rock out to “We Didn’t Start the Fire.”

  2. D Says:

    Stupid title to begin with. It should just be titled “The hundred songs I hate the most”. It isn’t anything more than that.

  3. CM Says:

    Aw, “Breakfast at Tiffany’s” I love that song. It’s so sweet. And I don’t even like the movie!

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