Mon 19 Jul 2010
My Craigslist ad
Posted by Andi under Daily
[7] Comments
Hi! My name is Andi, and I’m in the market for a new best bud. I’ve been living in the High Desert for about a year, and I’m tired of staying at home by myself all day while I look for work. I’m pretty awesome; took my SATs twice, which I think says a lot, I have little dances for specific occassions, and I rock at Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon. Aaron Sorkin and Joss Whedon are my heroes, and my love for Michael Jackson increases at approximately the same rate as my tequila intake. My fiance says that I’m exceedingly charming, but I think he might be biased.
If I sound like someone you want to hang out with, please fill out this survey and send it to my email. Please note: I’m looking for limited amounts of drama. I enjoy some gossip here and there, and I’m more than happy to listen and sympathize, but I am not interested in become someone’s permanent shrink. Apply at your own risk!
Love, Andi
BEST FRIEND APPLICATION
Name:
DOB:
Current town/city:
Relationship status:
Allergies:
School:
Major:
Degree/Date Received:
Any drug use (including cigarettes)?
Top Five Favorite Films:
Top Five Favorite Books:
Top Five Favorite Bands:
Top Five Favorite Shows:
Do you like sushi? If so, favorite kind:
Batman or Superman?
Harry Potter or Twilight?
D&D or WoW?
Liquor of choice:
Do you enjoy working out?
How do you enjoy spending you nights off?
What are your life goals?
What quote best describes you?
Any phobias?
Any unusual talents?
Where do you like to shop?
Are you easily offended by jokes about race, sex, or bodily functions?
Please write a sentence for each of the following words:
There
They’re
Their
Your
You’re
Lose
Loose
Name: Jose
DOB: 09/26/way before they started numbering years
Current town/city: Fullerton
Relationship status: is this a trick question?
Allergies: BS…it makes me break out in hives and angst
School: not lately
Major: underachievement
Degree/Date Received: 09/26/way before they started numbering years
Any drug use (including cigarettes)? I do smoke, but am not a slave to it, and I’m a terrible caffeine addict…serious java junky
Top Five Favorite Films: Gregory’s Girl, Silverado, Star Trek:Wrath of Kahn, Big Trouble in Little China, Raiders of the Lost Ark
Top Five Favorite Books: Catcher in the Rye, Lamb, Life of Pi, American Gods, Slaughterhouse 5
Top Five Favorite Bands: the Pixies, REM, Los Lobos, the Shins, the New Pornographers
Top Five Favorite Shows: smallville, warehouse 13, modern family, fringe, family guy
Do you like sushi? If so, favorite kind: I love it, in particular salmon, tuna, yellowtail, and i like rolls and stuff
Batman or Superman? Batman, though I am a fan of both
Harry Potter or Twilight? HP
D&D or WoW? depends on the day
Liquor of choice: tequila, vodka, beer
Do you enjoy working out? if by working out you mean napping, yes…
How do you enjoy spending you nights off? reading, listening to music, watching movies, hanging out at the cafe
What are your life goals? to be at peace with my world
What quote best describes you? Credo Quiea absurdum est.
Any phobias? kind of scared of heights…but not cripplingly so
Any unusual talents? heh
Where do you like to shop? it’s alright…as long as it’s in book or music stores
Are you easily offended by jokes about race, sex, or bodily functions? not really, but kind of not a fan about race jokes….
Please write a sentence for each of the following words:
There is my underwear!
They’re in my underwear!
Their junk is touching my underwear!
Hey, Your junk is touching my underwear!
You’re not supposed to be in my underwear!
Lose my underwear and I won’t tell your mom.
Aw, now my underwear are Loose.
Name: T
DOB: XX-XX-79
Current town/city: Bay Area
Relationship status: In lurrrve
Allergies: Milk
School: Yes
Major: Medieval History
Degree/Date Received: MA 2007
Any drug use (including cigarettes)? Does booze count?
Top Five Favorite Films: Shaun of the Dead, Star Wars (NOT THE NEW ONES), Zombieland, Milo and Otis, Some Like it Hot
Top Five Favorite Books: Pride and Prejudice, 1984,
Top Five Favorite Bands: Led Zeppelin, Van Halen, Motörhead, Black Sabbath, Fairport Convention
Top Five Favorite Shows: Dr. Who, Firefly, Buffy, Bullshit, Mythbusters
Do you like sushi? Anything with salmon (sake)
Batman or Superman? In a fight, or like, to date?
Harry Potter or Twilight? Burn Twilight with fire. Harry Potter all the way.
D&D or WoW? Don’t play either, but WoW if I had to choose.
Liquor of choice: Whiskey
Do you enjoy working out? Yes
How do you enjoy spending you nights off? Video games, playing with my pets, nummy food
What are your life goals? Family, creative projects, fun, not losing bladder control in old age
What quote best describes you? “That’s the most useless information I’ve ever heard of.”
Any phobias? E.T.
Any unusual talents? I can recite the alphabet backwards while rubbing my belly and patting my head
Where do you like to shop? The hardware store
Are you easily offended by jokes about race, sex, or bodily functions? I know lots of awesome and offensive jokes about all of those things
Please write a sentence for each of the following words:
There is a glass of whiskey
They’re looking at my glass of whiskey
Their drinks are not as good as whiskey
Your whiskey is all gone.
You’re going to need another whiskey
Lose that fanny pack. It sucks.
Loose change tends to build up in the bottom of my purse
Tiff, if you move down to this hell hole I call home, the job is yours. No joke.
Did you get any weirdo replies from Craigslist?
I remember my friend Vince posting something there once – hunting for some tail… He got the weirdest replies… And a lot of them, I might add.
Bad, Bad, Bad idea
BEST FRIEND APPLICATION
Name: Renee
DOB: 5/27/87
Current town/city: SCV aka hell
Relationship status: broken
Allergies: Dairy, certain chemicals, mascara, jewelry metal, pollen and horrible people
School: CSUN aka hell
Major: Sociology
Degree/Date Received: In progress
Any drug use (including cigarettes)? None
Top Five Favorite Films: Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, That Thing You Do, Joe v. the Volcano and A League of Our Own
Top Five Favorite Books: The Hobbit, anything by C.S Lewis or Flannery O’Connor
Top Five Favorite Bands: Relient K, Hawk Nelson, Five Iron Frenzy, Superchick
Top Five Favorite Shows: NCIS, Psych, House, X-files, Monk
Do you like sushi? If so, favorite kind: Yes, vegetable tempura rolls
Batman or Superman? Hmmm… tough.. probably Batman
Harry Potter or Twilight? Harry Potter
D&D or WoW? Never played either.
Liquor of choice: Mike’s hard lemonade
Do you enjoy working out? Depends…. I don’t like working out in front of people. Gyms are just ew. I like swimming, hiking and yoga.
How do you enjoy spending you nights off? Hanging out doing goofy things or reading
What are your life goals? Finish my degree, find a job where I’m helping people, continue being active in changing the world for the better.
What quote best describes you?
“If to be feelingly alive to the sufferings of my fellow-creatures is to be a fanatic, I am one of the
most incurable fanatics ever permitted to be at large.”
-William Wilberforce
Any phobias? How much time do you have? Strangers, being touched, marriage, breaking bones, hospitals!!
Any unusual talents? Not really…
Where do you like to shop?
Are you easily offended by jokes about race, sex, or bodily functions? I get awkward, but not usually offended.
Please write a sentence for each of the following words:
There: The dog is over there.
They’re: They’re heading over to Susie’s to hang out.
Their: I know what this word means, but I’m totally drawing a blank on a sentence for it.
Your: I love your sweater!
You’re: You’re a very genuine person.
Lose: I lose often when playing games.
Loose: Her hair fell loose from the bun she had fashioned atop her head.
I found I filled this in a while back while trippin on Ambien… I also found little to no mistakes (amazingly). I guess since I took the time to fill it in, I might as well post it.
BEST FRIEND APPLICATION
Name: Levi Quintana
DOB: 10/29/1985
Current town/city: Burbank
Relationship status: Fuckin’ Around
Allergies: Cats
School: CSULA
Major: English
Degree/Date Received: BA (soon)
Any drug use (including cigarettes)? Ambien, Salvia (it’s been a LONG time since I used that… might need to see to that soon…)
Top Five Favorite Films: Hook (seriously), Willy Wonka And The Chocolate Factory (No one puts Gene Wilder in the corner…), Fight Club, Pulp Fiction, Dogma
Top Five Favorite Books: Being There, Pinball, The Painted Bird, A Clockwork Orange, The Catcher In The Rye (The first three are by Jerzy Kosinski, my all time favorite author).
Top Five Favorite Bands: Angels And Airwaves, The Germs, Box Car Racer, NOFX, The Misfits
Top Five Favorite Shows: (that are on right now) Chuck, Supernatural, Smallville, Psych, It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia
Do you like sushi? If so, favorite kind: Don’t know much about sushi… I ate some really expensive gourmet stuff once… I was drunk and promptly barfed it up in an alley about 20 minutes later… Good times.
Batman or Superman? Superman (for reasons explained in Kill Bill)
Harry Potter or Twilight? Potter (even though I only saw one movie and haven’t read any of the books). Maybe I just hate those wannabe vampire emo-goth hybrids too much.
D&D or WoW? Haven’t played either, but D&D has a cooler name, and South Park tore apart WoW.
Liquor of choice: (used to be) Jack Daniels
Do you enjoy working out? Does moshing count?
How do you enjoy spending your nights off? I used to enjoy spending those nights Underground doing crazy shit. Since I got all that out of my system early in life, now I just enjoy quiet nights at home watching movies and writing… not that I’m not down to do crazy shit… Though to quote Murtaugh, I’m gettin’ too old for this shit…
What are your life goals? To write, write, and write some more… And NOT become my parents.
What quote best describes you? Sometimes nothing can be a real cool hand…
Any phobias? None
Any unusual talents? I can bring out the absolute worst in people.
Where do you like to shop? I don’t like shopping.
Are you easily offended by jokes about race, sex, or bodily functions? After being called every name in the book and being through some tough shit, nothing offends me… at all.
Please write a sentence for each of the following words:
There is a group of people Underground called The Decimators and
They’re a bunch of assholes.
Their motto is “Seek and Destroy… OI! OI! OI!” They cook
Your food, connect your calls and listen to your complaints. You probably think they’re a bunch of idiots.
You’re not alone in thinking that.
Lose your preconceptions of idiot punk rockers, we were more sophisticated than that… Sort of… Save for the junkies getting tight and getting
Loose and the Sinners starting fights and the Nazis getting juiced.
Again, little to no mistakes… I RULE!!!