Idiot Parade

There are a bunch of things about being in a relationship that no one told me. Good things. Terrifying…but good.

I’ve had boyfriends before. I’ve been in love a few times. Even been loved back once, maybe twice, before now. But there has never been something so…overwhelming. I was devoted to Scooter for years, but I never felt this level of tenderness or responsibility.

Up to now, I have been the most important person in my life. I lived for myself. My parents were of the utmost importance, and I would always go to bat for my family and close friends; ultimately, however, everything I did followed my personal agenda, furthering my future. But now, there’s this…other person…and it’s killing me in the best way. Suddenly, I have an outside reason to keep myself safe. My education and my job aren’t there to make my life easier; now it’s so that there’s a possibility for our lives. Plural. I now have someone to support, to care for, to protect. To be strong for.

I’m writing all of this at the risk of sounding like one of those women who “can’t live without” their significant other. I can live without him. If we broke up tomorrow, the world would not implode. I would not cease to be. Live would go on because it would have to, but now that I know what this other place is like, this place where I stand at the window and count the minutes until he comes home from work; this place where the smell of him on my clothes reminds me of all the good in my world; this place where I almost believe in some benevolent force, because there had to be some kind of planning in making both of us the people we are now, so that when the time came for us to meet, we’d fit together the way we do….I don’t ever want to go back to my old self.

I know that one of the worst things as a single person is to listen to someone rave about their boyfriend or girlfriend. I have been there many times. It blows, no way around it. But I have to let you know, those of you still wondering and waiting…it’s worth it. I would take every night I cried myself to sleep, every time I got stood up, every time I was lied to, cheated on, flaked on, and betrayed, and I’d do it again ten-fold. Because all of that, rolled into a little ball of sadness and low self-esteem, is a tiny payment for all the joy and love and laughter I have now.

This entry was posted on Monday, May 11th, 2009 at 2:48 pm and is filed under Daily, Love. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.