Love song for no one

The gap between what other people see in me and what I see is continuously growing larger.

Was talking with a close friend a few days ago about the possibility of someday having a relationship. On paper, this sounds like a wonderful idea. I adore him, he treats me well, and I’d be well taken care of. But about halfway through our conversation, I realized that no matter how much I may want a partner, I just don’t have the energy for it. I’m tired. And I don’t like being this tired. I pride myself in always having a bit more to give. If you looked at me, you’d see a normal young woman. Mostly intact, only a couple scars and maybe a bruise or two. But when I look in my own eyes, I see an old woman, all worn out. Like an old piece of leather. That’s not to say I’m world-weary or that I think I’ve seen so much that now I’m simply bored. I’m not that pretentious. But it takes so much to play the game. Meet someone, flirt, wait for a call, go out, more waiting, go out a couple more times, walking on eggshells because this book warns about somethingorother, and this relationship coach says you have to do thisorthat, otherwise you will be a complete failure at life and die alone, die one of those sad New York deaths where no one notices until the smell comes down through the air vents a week later.

I’m tired.

What’s worse, I’m afraid of being tired. Because the last time I gave up, I met this amazing guy, and everyone always says it’ll just happen when you stop wanting it, which is exactly what occurred….except he freaked out and left after a couple months. And if I’m too exhausted to be out there, there’s no way I can handle being dumped right now.

I know I’m not becoming broken and cynical, because there are a couple people who I love beyond all reason and comprehension. I’m just not sure what happens to all that love when there’s no place for it to go.

One Response to “Love song for no one”

  1. Charlie Says:

    A wise woman once told me, “You have to kiss a lot of frogs to find a prince.” Perhaps equally true (or even the same thing) is that we have not only to grow, ourselves, in our ability to love and find love, but those around us in our acquaintance must needs grow as well.

    Sadly, we don’t get to accelerate their enlightenment.

    So it comes to the great tragedy of timing. Something so entirely out of our control that it is even less than utter folly to try to plan it. Perhaps the tiredness you fear is less weariness and more acceptance; of yourself, of your standards, your limitations and your patience.

    Whatever you may feel today about life and love and your own capabilities to delight in them, I, for one, believe.

    Celebrate where you are today and know that the only constant is change, my friend.

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