Try a little tenderness

A few weeks ago, I came to the conclusion that I needed to grow up a bit and let go of a couple grudges that I’d been carrying around.

I was friends with a girl at my junior college. We were very close, almost best friends, but I made the mistake of dating a guy that she was interested in. It hurt her much more than I thought it would, and she wrote me off the second I told her about the relationship. That was about a year and a half ago.

Then there was the issue of J’s most recent ex. She openly disliked and distrusted me. I showed her a fondness only occasionally, and usually with an agenda of simply trying to keep the peace. I took offense to some of her actions and was very much threatened by her role in J’s past. In short, there was never any love lost between us. But quite a few months have passed since that drama was active, and we have many mutual friends.

I sent brief notes to both women, similar in form. I’m sorry I hurt you. That was never intended. Time has passed. I hope we can be friends. Obviously they were more detailed and certainly more heartfelt, that’s the essence of what I wanted to communicate.

There was a small correspondence with the first, essentially saying that she couldn’t trust me and was completely indifferent to me…though the tone implied stronger feelings than ‘indifference’. I saw quickly that there was nothing to salvage, so I left it at that.

Nothing from the second. It appeared as though she had deleted her facebook, but she simply made it unsearchable, so no one outside of her friends list can contact her. I’m going to pretend that her recent decision to go off the map had nothing to do with her attitude towards me.

My personality is one that thrives on closure and resolving conflicts. I like the healing and the starting over, and it is extremely difficult for me to cut anyone out of my life. So, of course, it hurts very deeply when I try to reach out to someone and make amends, only to be greeted by more hostility. At this point, there’s nothing more I can do. If anyone has gone through similar experiences, though, I would appreciate advice on how to keep myself from internalizing everything.

5 Responses to “Try a little tenderness”

  1. TheOmniAdam Says:

    Someone who denies or outright refuses the opportunity to make amends when someone has already made the first step is 1) hurting themselves more than anyone else and 2) going OUT of their way to do so.
    Still, there is something to be said about persistent forgiveness. If it’s closure you seek, trying again, with even so little as an “I’m sorry you feel that way, but I really do want to move past what’s already happened” message, if it doesn’t get them to see the light of day, at least let’s you put the situation at rest knowing you pushed that much harder to find it when they refused. Or… you could push harder- go out of your way to find another way to contact the other girl- whatever you feel is the right thing to do. I really don’t know what other kind of closure such a situation can offer when trying to be better for it and grow from it then persistence, patience and forgiveness.
    Hope that helps…

  2. Charlie Says:

    Letting go is wonderfully freeing. You did your part. Walk away. You shall not go back for lickings.

    Let go. It’s now officially their problem.

  3. Megan Says:

    I hate getting “I’m sorry, please forgive me” emails. If I want to talk to someone who hurt me, if I want to forgive them and be friends? Then I’ll let them know. When you approach someone that you hurt, you are seeking to assauge your hurt or guilty feelings. That isn’t their job, and they aren’t being jerks if they say no thanks, or if they say nothing. they are protecting themselves from a person that did them harm.

  4. Renee Says:

    You did the right thing in attempting to make ammends. That’s really all you can do.

  5. M. Says:

    We all do things that hurt others as we go thru life. You and your ex friends are very young, you do things you are sorry for, that you regret, as well all have. Looking back you may see things from a different point of view than when it was happening, when you are in the middle of it. You have taken the 1st step to reconcile, now it is up to them. Forgiveness is one of keys to a happy life. If we can mend fences with one another, accept that a person can be truly sorry for things said or done I think we would be much happier in our lives. Life is too short to hold grudges.

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